“Okay, God,” I say, “I’m going to read the Bible every day before school. I know I promised that a few months ago at church camp, but this time I mean it. I am 100% committed to you.”

Lovely prayer, isn’t it? It’s the kind I pray at every youth campout, during that one night as everyone’s crying and confessing and the worship leader is quietly singing while lightly strumming a guitar. If you’re anything like me, having grown up at church and VBS and Veggie Tales, you know what I’m talking about.

But that prayer is what I pray over and over again. And it’s only during camp or youth group or sometimes church. You see, my heart is in that prayer, but only for that night. The next few days I might wake up early to read my Bible, but by the end of the week the passion is gone. Maybe I sleep through my alarm clock. I tell myself I’ll read it after school. I’ll do it on the bus. I forget.

I make God promises thousands of times, and each time I break it.

Have you ever been at some church camp and you’re learning how to hear from God? I remember one time, during a Hearing God session, I went into an empty room, closed the door, and sat down on the floor facing the wall. Then I began pouring my heart out to God.Telling him everything–my problems, my fears, my failures. I admitted that I usually only talked to him and didn’t wait to listen. So this time, after a while of rambling, I shut my mouth and listened.

My eyes wandered around the room. I was in a classroom for ages 4-5 at my church. There were handprints decorated on paper, and cute animal stickers stuck to the walls. Yellows and greens were painted on the walls. I still remembered not long ago when we had built the church, when it smelled so new and fresh.

Then I realized I was supposed to be listening for God. Except, my mind didn’t allow me to concentrate.

So I began praying again, asking for help to hear him and confessing more failures of being a Christian. I abandoned my grand idea of hearing God’s audible voice, and instead finally gave up and left the room.

You see, I don’t fear God. I don’t really believe, in my heart, that he’s completely capable of everything he says he is. I struggle with understanding his power, and I don’t think much of the consequences of sin. I don’t know anything of holy.

It’s interesting because I spend a lot of time with elementary kids during church. My mom is the kid’s pastor, so I volunteer there with grade three kids. Honestly, I love it. The kids are great, and it’s so fun. I get to help teach them about Jesus and the Bible and being kind and the story of Jonah. But honestly, I don’t exactly know what I”m talking about.

I teach them about God and how big he is, but I don’t know how big God is. I think he’s small, dare I say insignificant, a good guy helping us do good things. Sure, I know in my heart that he’s bigger than anything I can comprehend, that he’s our Lord and creator of everything. But I’m a selfish, stupid human. I don’t understand that.

I can’t understand.

I cannot fathom God. The idea that Jesus DIED for ME doesn’t make sense. I can’t wrap my head around the idea that my sins, those small sins that I label “tiny” and “unimportant”, nailed God himself, creator of everything, creator of ME, to the cross. That lie caused God to cry, not only in sadness but also in pain. That mean joke I made about my friend stabbed into his wrist. Most of all, I don’t understand that I KILLED GOD.

I killed God.

It’s weird because I teach kids about Jesus dying on the cross. I pray, “Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for our sins. We love you. Amen,” to eight-year-olds. But do I have any idea what that means?

No. No, I don’t. I will never fully understand it.

All I can do is admit my failures and beg God for forgiveness. Maybe write about it. Pray about it. Talk about it.

I know nothing of holy.

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8 thoughts on “What Do I Know of Holy?

  1. One of my favourite C.S Lewis writings is found in “Prince Caspian” it’s when Lucy meets with Aslan for the first time since returning to Narnia and she proclaims, “Aslan! You’re bigger.” And he replies, that is because you are older, little one… Every year you grow, you will find me bigger”. I have found this encouraging in my walk with God. We can’t make ourselves grow, we will naturally grow, that’s what living things do. God does the work to grow us and He over time reveals Himself as big thru the process :). Keep on going! Keep on seeking! Keep on praying!

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  2. Who can know God’s awesomeness? I for sure do not, and am always surprised and dumbfounded when I see something new about Him. It’s an exciting adventure to seek Him out, and find new things. It’s a constant adventure! Stay on this road Danaye, and always ask God to purify and freshen your heart, and mind, and soul toward His ways! I love your post as always!
    Daughter of the King

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  3. Keep working on it. You’re on the right road. None of us will ever be able to comprehend the Atonement of Christ, even when we pass to the other side, imho. What is most important is that we accept it, and act on it.

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  4. I do understand how you feel, Danaye! It is really impossible to understand God. I know we never will. None of it really makes since. I have made promises to God and not followed through. I feel bad for that. Saying all that…..I can never ever thank God enough for what He has done for me. I believe it when the Bible says that God sent Jesus to die for us. (I don’t understand it, but I do believe it.) I think the older I get (and I’m really old) the more precious the reality of what Jesus has done hits me. I hope you don’t have to get as old as I am to really understand that. Love you.

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